the abyss screams back

The abyss will look at you, it will quote Yeats saying: “the center cannot hold. Things fall apart”. The foundations of your life fell apart earlier this year, you were making eggs for breakfast and running the list of things you have to do for today so you will be productive, when the idea hit you. Actually it did not hit you, for it had an extended preamble paving the way for the grand entrance of and into the void. Such precursors included a high degree of skepticism about things, like the talk of the people behind you waiting for coffee in the morning, the anthropology lecture, and the last Whatsapp messages in the school group. In addition, these mild, early symptoms included a sense of alienation from reality; as if the being of yourself has acquired a body of it own, and hovered around looking at things and at people from the outside. Such modes rendered you distant. So you would be sitting at work trying to focus, but will be thinking of what would have happened if you have been more assertive in saying no to a new interest relationship, or what would have done if you studied another major and traveled to another country. One has to say that the last described state can be amusing, for the mind turn to a stage and the different scenarios being performed are great. So you were making your eggs thinking that that was a healthy breakfast and you are treating yourself well. When the amalgamation of symptoms and thoughts came to be: what is the meaning of all of this? Why make breakfast? Why have a To Do list? what is time? what is good and are people inherently evil?

The abyss opened its mouth and it won’t shut up. No matter how hard you will try. It’s a one way route that leads to a fork:

be a passive nihilist: throw the eggs, contemplate the meaningless of the weather cast and of family reunions, and then decide to let go of the rock and let it crush you like Sisyphus would if he were in your place. You would end your life either by eating too much eggs or simply setting the place on fire.

be an active nihilist: make a shape with the egg, maybe Wilson-style shape with eyes and a hint of a smile. You will spend all your life trying to save the life of all Wilson cousins, so you embark on a quest of turning the world into a vegan paradise. This is one route, another one would lead you to throw the eggs away, sit on the sofa and ponder existence and think of the list of things outside yourselves who make you aware of yourself and in your place in the world. So you can meet a partner and make your quest making their life better. Or you can liberate the Western Sahara. Or you turn to God who has been created by many generations in the past, and you will enjoy His company and say of His glory.

But one thing is important: as soon as you choose a path don’t look back, or else you will turn to a stone.